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With my quest over, I decided to cancel my subscription.įor all their aggressive marketing, the Pornhub banner ads failed to live up to the hype. I contacted the customer support email on to ask why these grade-school games are on a site alongside ads for cam shows and explicit games, and haven't heard back.
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But here they are, displayed right below a bunch of ads for cam shows and next to games like XXX-Men: Mutant Orgy. Monkey Banana Jump is also hosted on another children's games website. Cake Connect, for example, is also hosted on an educational games website. I don't know how this mix of cum-oriented and totally innocent browser games ended up being hosted on a site advertised on Pornhub, but a Google search revealed that at least some of the games weren't made exclusively for MyGamerVault. I used to play a lot of Call of Duty when I was a teenager so naturally that's what I'm going to play first. I give the site my credit card and finally enter the MyGamerVault site, which features a menu of dozens of porn games that parody popular video games, like Call of Booty and Grand Fuck Auto. Nowhere is it made very clear that this is a short-term trial, except in small print, which explains that at the end of this two-day trial, the credit card will be charged $39.95 per month, and that the charge will show up on the bill as BRANDHELPSVCS.COM, a customer support and billing services provider.
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The entire process was a setup to get me to sign up for a two-day trial of. I click through the same questionnaire as before and am eventually asked for a credit card again. Disney did not respond to a request for comment about Elsa's boobs. Anna's staring at Elsa's boobs, which are spilling out of her bra. This time I start the process by clicking on an ad featuring Elsa and Anna from Frozen. There's no way I'm inputting my personal credit card information, so I wait until I'm back in the office to start the process all over again with a VICE credit card. that requires adult websites to age-gate their services using credit card information. We are required by New York law to verify the age of players," the site said.
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"People from New York need to provide a form of age verification (you will not be charged). It goes like this until I finally reach a screen that asks for my credit card. "Do you have any medical conditions that could arise from playing games? For example: seizures, addiction, or aggressive behavior." This game includes a lot of domination and female submission. "Anything can happen in these games, including aggressive sex, is this ok with you?" "This game has been called the most addicting sex game online, do you have what it takes to play?" I choose "massive," which is like a set of beach balls on a woman who shouldn't be able to stand.Īfter gathering this basic information, the questionnaire begins asking more serious questions: I choose massive, which is the width of a skateboard according to the helpful visual aid of a CGI person.
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I click through and am asked to take a questionnaire, one full page per question, with those animated porn characters rotating in the background. This says it's a "Family affair simulator" but when I click through, it takes me to a page rotating short clips of 3D animated porn of fantasy characters, blowjobs of two-dicked men, and what looks like the rabbit cop from Zootopia. The first banner ad next to that video is for Cumshots: The Game. I begin by clicking the first video that appears in the "Hot porn videos in the United States" section on Pornhub's homepage, "TEEN GETS HER YOGA PUSSY LICKED BY MOM'S BFF." I start my porn game reviewing quest at home as opposed to at VICE's open floor office because I don't know what will unfold on my screen. Conservatively, hundreds of millions of people are confronted, each and every day, with the taunting of an animated woman commanding them not to do what they came to this website to do. Telling me not to cum.Īccording to the TrafficJunky website, these ads rake in three billion impressions a day.
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It's an ouroboros of advertising money, eating its own dick, endlessly. All of the ads on Pornhub's network of sites (YouPorn, Redtube, etc) are managed by TrafficJunky, which is owned by Pornhub's parent company, MindGeek. These ads are selling subscriptions to adult game websites. The first thing to know about these games is that they're not exactly free, and that you can't buy them like you buy a game on Steam.